A few years ago, I wrote an essay pondering the connection between the word “worth” and the word “worthiness.” I pointed out, ever so eloquently, how the unfortunate cultural use we Latter-day Saints make of the word “worthiness” can lead people who sin to believe themselves to be of no worth.
People have asked me why I choose what I choose; why I choose to not act on my feelings sexually with other women. Recently we had a brief discussion about it on a support group I manage. There are some who cannot comprehend why we would choose such a path. I understand the difficulty in that. I understand the reasons why I could choose to act on my feelings. Yet I understand why I won’t. It’s hard to get into because sometimes, it’s just moments - undeniable moments - that bring me to this decision. I call them undeniable because the witness that came with those moments was deep, abiding, life-giving and life-changing. I fear denying those feelings and the catalyst which brought them about. I am deeply grateful for the reminders of those moments …
During Relief Society I heard a great story as told by President James E Faust. It was from a 1999 conference talk, I think. He was talking about a little boy who was a piano student.
A recent article at insidehighered.com describes a ruling against a university for unconstitutional materials in its GLBT support center. Although the materials are no longer used at the institution, some students (who are supported by a special interest group that has sued public institutions on behalf of religious rights) complained that the material favored some religions over others. In essence, the documents under scrutiny described the gay-friendliness of various Christian religions and stated, among many evaluations, that the “Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints [… has] ‘the most anti-gay policies of any religion widely practiced in the United States’” (para. 6). That’s a rather bold statement. And I wonder to what degree it is true.
At the end of February, my oldest son (17) moved out and back in with his dad. I was heartbroken. He told me that part of why he was leaving was my SSA. Even though I don’t act on it, it bothered him enough he didn’t want to be around me. What does someone do with that kind of information? I thought I’d share what I wrote just a few days later.
A couple of years ago I enrolled in a course called simply, “Homosexuality.” I attended a Lutheran university operated by the Missouri Synod (LCMS), reputedly the most conservative Lutheran sect. The course was available to divinity students and social work students. Guest speakers spoke to us each week everything the a lesbian who got artificially inseminated to the head of the local Exodus International.
The other night we watched a movie called The Sea Inside (El mar adentro in Spanish). It won the Academy Award for best foreign film a few years ago, but I don’t think very many people have heard of it our watched it. A description of the movie probably doesn’t it make it sound all that interesting; not only is it a subtitled film, it’s a drama about a quadriplegic who wants the right to kill himself.
A good friend and I were recently discussing same-sex attraction. He has always shown himself to be empathetic, even though he has a reputation as a tough guy–former under-sheriff for a large metropolitan county.
Hope is a wonderful thing. It’s part of the faith, hope, and charity trio of virtues, and in a world where a lot of bad stuff happens on a regular basis, it can be what keeps a person going. I hope I do well on a test. I hope I can find some friends when I move to a new area. I hope I’ll be happy. It seems like it’d be a sin to stomp on anyone’s hopes. On the other hand, I’ve had a few hopes in my life I’ve had to sneak up behind with a crow bar and beat to death. And I think that might be a good thing to do when the hope in question isn’t one that comes after faith or before charity.
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